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What Goes Through My Head When I Lock My Door

When I'm alone in our apartment, or alone with Muffin, I lock the deadbolt, day and night. Here is my thought process:

I'm walking down the hallway toward my door. I nod "Hello" in a neighborly way to a man also walking down the hall. I enter my apartment (having had my key ready since I first got into the elevator because women are conditioned from an early age not to be fumbling for their keys in an area where the distraction of doing so might make them vulnerable to an attack) and close the door. I put my hand on the deadbolt but I don't turn it right away.

What if the guy who just walked by thinks I'm locking it because I'm afraid of him? 

It's not about him specifically, though, it's about being a woman alone in an apartment building. 

So what if he's offended? 

It's none of his business if I lock my door or not, unless he was planning to enter the apartment, in which case fuck him, I did the right thing by locking the door.

I'm a narcissist for thinking he hears me turn the deadbolt or cares that I locked the door if he did hear it.

I turn the deadbolt.

I'm smart and strong and rational. I do not assume every man in our building is out to get me, or anyone else. My mind doesn't automatically jump to rape -- I don't want anyone coming in to steal our television, either. Why do I worry so much about locking my door? It should be something I don't even think about.

I'm not going to say all women think this exact thought all the time, every day. But I will say that many, if not most, women have similar thoughts often, and with good reason, because of the way they are treated by men on a regular basis. A woman doesn't have to have been raped or otherwise abused in order to feel threatened or even slightly nervous around men.

To all the nice guys out there, you're wasting your breath defending yourself to me. Talk to other men about not being dicks so that in a generation or two women might not have to worry about which guy walking down the hall of her building is a nice guy.

Comments

Victoria Mason said…
Yes!!!!! And I do this too. All of it.

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