What Are You Doing, Post-Weinstein?

I’ve read so many articles and opinion pieces and just plain old Facebook rants over the last week or so. It’s confusing. It's rage-inducing. It’s hard to know what is the right way to fight misogyny, to expose a culture of sexual harassment, or to make others aware that it’s even happening.

Here’s what I’m going to do:

• Keep talking to my child about consent.
• Keep talking about these issues with my husband because he is an ally in all this.
• Keep writing blog posts on my thoughts. Keep sharing relevant articles on Facebook and Twitter.
• I will not engage in fruitless "debate" on social media that will do nothing but raise my blood pressure and not change the mind of a jerk.
• Read books in public, real books, so people can see the covers. Even if they don’t stop and make conversation about it maybe they’ll file it away to read themselves.
• Write reviews for books, movies, tv shows, and podcasts. Is there a rape scene or other violence against women that moves the plot or is it there just to have a violent scene for entertainment? How are women portrayed? How are men portrayed? Does it make me happy as a consumer of entertainment?
• Write reviews for businesses and services. Was I treated with respect? Did I receive the goods or services I needed?
• Try to be brave enough to call out misogynistic comments and behavior among friends and a acquaintances more often. This is the hardest part but probably the most important.
• Say, “Thank you,” to the other women and the men who do call out this behavior. Maybe there is no right way or wrong way.

I will change this list as I go on. It’s trial and error to see what works best for me and my community, and that might be different from what others feel works best or what others are comfortable doing. I can’t sit quietly anymore.

What are you going to do?

Follow-up to My Previous Post

Kiddo likes to wear cool jewelry and those shirts that have the sequins that have a color or design in one direction and a different color or design in the other direction. I want her to express herself and feel comfortable with her fashion choices. I do not want other kids grabbing her pendants or touching her sequins uninvited.

I feel guilty over an incident at the bus stop this morning. Kiddo was wearing a cool pendant and a little boy her age ran up and touched it because he thought it was cool, too. And neither Kiddo nor I said anything. It did cross my mind to say something. But so did: Kiddo didn’t say anything and her body language didn’t give me any clues toward her comfort level. Was she simply surprised, but not bothered? Or was she annoyed? I didn’t want to cause a scene with a seven-year-old child. (This kid is loud.) I didn’t want to cause a scene with his mother. (She scolds her kids all the time but it doesn’t seem to stop any of their grabby behavior.)

In the past I have confronted this child when he has grabbed something. It's usually a little toy Kiddo has in her hand. His sister tried to take my Kindle out of my hands one afternoon when I was reading while waiting for the bus to drop off and I told her, “No,” very firmly.

Sometimes I just don’t want to cause a scene and I feel terrible if it’s happening at Kiddo’s expense.

I’m exhausted.

I want to protect Kiddo and defend her. But she and I talk so often about appropriate interactions. I want other parents to be having these talks with their kids, too. We’re reading Ramona the Pest and Ramona wants to kiss a boy and pull another girl’s beautiful springy curls and I stop to remind Kiddo these things are not appropriate if the other child does not want them to happen. I’ve warned her about hugging friends who do not like to be hugged. (She’s a hugger.)

I am not against physical contact. That’s not what this is about. Kiddo has friends that she does hug upon greeting. She has a close friend, who’s a boy, who she greets by hugging tightly and they knock each other to the ground and wrestle until his little sister jumps on top of them. And it’s fine because all three kids are totally on board with interacting that way with each other. And they’re also all fine with saying, “I don’t feel like wrestling today,” and not wrestling.

And in this household, this is not considered a feminist issue for the females to deal with. Mike has these talks with Kiddo, too, so I'm not totally alone. But we are just two parents in a world of millions. It's still overwhelming.

I don’t know what I’m going to do when Kiddo gets home from school, if I should bring it up or not. If she’s forgotten about it I kind of don’t want to remind her. I’m afraid she’ll think of it as her doing something wrong because she didn’t call out this boy, when I feel like I’m the one who’s totally in the wrong. If she mentions it or if it somehow comes up naturally of course I’ll discuss it. But I can't do this by myself. Other parents have to have these talks with their kids, too.

To bring this back to my previous post:
“Cool necklace!”
“Thanks!”
Perfectly nice interaction.

“Cool necklace!” said while grabbing for it and ignoring the look of surprise on Kiddo’s face is not appropriate.

I want Kiddo to be able to defend herself but I also want her to not have to.

I Know I Have Pink Hair But...

“Your hair looks cool.”
“Thanks!”
We both walk on pleasantly and continue with our days.

“I really like your hair.”
I realize you are blocking my exit from the elevator and I smile awkwardly as I push by, way too close for comfort.

One of these is a friendly interaction.

One of them is creepy and threatening.

Is it really that difficult to know the difference?

The problem is, I want to be friendly and neighborly. I like living in a building where people say, “Hi,” when we pass in the halls. Just don’t corner people in the elevator. This shouldn’t even have to be said.