I Feel Compelled to Discuss Literature and Menstruation

Since I’ve been going through A Tale of Two Cities and changing the genders, I can’t help but keep rolling my eyes at how Lucie (who will become Lucas, I believe) is treated like a child, yet I’m sure that a male character of the same age and experience would be treated like a an adult (a male adult). I keep thinking about how women have been displayed as weak, silly, and unable to face danger, or even mild unpleasantness in literature, and then movies and television, since forever.

And here’s where there might be too much information for some readers: When I last got my period I started thinking about how women have been menstruating since the dawn of humans. Menstruation is messy and can be painful. Anyone who says women can’t handle pain or who accuses them of being squeamish must not be aware of the discomfort, and sometimes pain, of menstruation, not to mention the managing of all the blood. No matter what a woman is doing to manage her period, whether it’s pads, tampons, or cups, there is blood involved.

So, squeamish my ass.

It doesn’t matter if she gets up and goes to work in an office, a school, a factory, with her period or if she goes running or if she parents all day. The next time you’re tempted to think of women as weak or silly, remember that they get their periods. And they go to work, and they workout, and they parent through all the discomfort and blood.

When women are in situations where a man is pressuring them into sexual activity or else he’ll get “blue balls,” I’d like women to start saying, “Well I get menstrual cramps once a month and I manage to survive.”

We still have this societal notion of women being “the weaker sex.” And it’s nonsense. Women shouldn’t have to talk about their periods of they don’t want to. But men are not going to understand what actually goes on down there unless some women do because we’ve relied on pop culture for too long and pop culture hasn’t educated people properly on menstruation.

I’m almost done with my first full edit of A Tale of Cities. I think I might post chapters here on my blog as I finalize each one.

I Wrote About That Thing Between Those Two People

I am so conflicted on the Aziz Ansari and Grace situation and my feelings change with every new opinion and article I read about it. Am I disappointed to hear this about one of my favorite actors and comedians? Yes. Do I feel as disgusted as I did hearing about sexual assault by another favorite comedian, Louis C.K.? No, that horrified me and I haven’t been able to look at him the same way since.

Is it possible the woman was pressured into an uncomfortable situation? Yes. Is it possible Ansari was an asshole? Yes. Is it possible she feels jilted about a situation that didn’t go as she expected it might? Yes. Is it possible that they are both humans who don't handle every single moment in life perfectly? Yes.

Wow, this isn’t black and white, cut and dry, is it? It’s nuanced and complicated.

One thing that’s bothering me is the calls from individuals and from media outlets that this woman should have done more. Should have done something differently. That this was a date gone bad and she didn’t do enough to get out of it if she wasn’t happy. But they’re quick to say they aren’t victim blaming. They are victim blaming, though, if they’re giving out armchair advice in hindsight about what she should have done differently. They also haven’t been as vocal about saying what Ansari should have done differently.

After all the support given to celebrities who came forward with the sentiments of, “Of course those celebrities didn’t say anything. Power positions, loss of work, etc,” apparently we are to expect every woman who is out on a date to be more powerful because it’s just a date, it has nothing to do with their jobs. Women can feel intimidated by men for reasons other than money and careers. Is it that hard to believe that a woman was so star-struck by a celebrity ten years older than she that she couldn’t voice every objection she wanted to during the evening? 

Now we are demonizing women for not speaking up more often, as if a switch has been turned on and every single woman and man in the country has magically changed their behaviors. Look at all the romantic comedies where a man doggedly pursues a woman until she gives in. It’s what we’re all told is romantic. If men and women have both been conditioned this way, what does it say that we’re now asking women to be bitches and turn down those advances without equal footing given to telling men to get the picture and stop making the advances? And without the patience to realize that this change isn't going to happen to every woman and every man at the same time. Cultural shifts take time.

A note on verbal and nonverbal communication: My husband and I have been together since 2001 and we still don’t get the nonverbal communication and signals right one hundred percent of the time so should we expect people who don’t know each other well to read those signals accurately? I don’t doubt that Ansari misread her signals but by her own account he called her a car when she said she wanted to leave and she also didn’t say the specific word, “No,” until quite a few incidents had passed. She says at one point that she moved away and mumbled something. If she mumbled, maybe Ansari honestly didn’t hear her. Maybe by not leaving sooner in the evening he was reading the signal that she was enjoying her time with him. Once he found out the next day that she hadn’t had a good night he apologized and didn’t bother her again. If we are going to expect men to read the signals I think it's fair to expect women to be more clear.

I could really live without all the commentary about what people should or shouldn’t do on first dates. On the fact that people think going back to a man’s apartment is a clear sign that sex should be expected. No one else gets to make those decisions for other adults so just STFU about it. Sometimes adults like to have sex on a first date and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as it’s consensual. Sometimes adults like to have sex without a relationship, and that’s fine, too, as long as both parties (or all parties) are on board with it. If you bring someone back to your apartment you still have to talk about sex. Don’t assume sex will happen. Sometimes a woman might want to on the date, but then she sees that your bathroom is disgusting and gets turned off. (And that’s on you for not keeping your bathroom clean; don't be mad at her for changing her mind.)

Maybe what happened between them is assault. Maybe it’s a case of miscommunication. Maybe Grace was expecting Dev from Master of None but got Tom from Parks and Recreation. Tom often acted inappropriately but female characters usually called him on it or were charmed by it which apparently made the behavior acceptable. (Of course, let’s not forget these are characters and not the real Ansari.)

In a perfect world men will stop being assholes and women will be more vocal about their needs and comforts. I hope this is a cautionary tale for all people to be more vocal with their potential sexual partners.

P.S. As I was trying to do a final edit on this (I say "trying" because this is certainly not the last word in general nor my final thoughts, since they keep evolving) I saw a piece on tv where a woman was saying something along the lines of it's not sexual harassment if it doesn't have anything to do with the workplace. Fuck you.

*In writing this, I reread one of my earlier posts (https://whereintheworld-stephanie.blogspot.com/2017/10/what-are-you-doing-post-weinstein.html) to make sure I’m living up to the goals I set for myself. I think I am.

**This is about one specific coupling dynamic based on the experience of Ansari and Grace, a straight man and a straight woman. Communication is important in sex, for all genders and sexual partners.

Cutting back on Social Media

Several weeks ago Muffin was home sick from school with a bad cold. As she snuggled on top of me on the couch, warm and sniffly and sleepy, I was pretty much immobilized so, like many parents in my situation these days, I picked up my phone to scroll through Facebook to pass the time. By the second day of that routine, I was done. I realized how bad Facebook was making me feel. I was a member of several groups where it is apparently no longer enough to simply be a nice, polite, person, you have to wear the badge of exactly what kind of feminist, gluten-free, stay/work-at-home mother you are. It's not enough that I support women breastfeeding in public. If I let slip that I didn't enjoy the few times I did it with Muffin, I've become a horrible mother who doesn't support women. In a discussion about childcare options, someone made a comment that having family watch your child "never works out." I called her out on it, saying it's a very good option for many families, even if it doesn't work out for some, and suddenly I'm perceived as a privileged bitch with free childcare. (I don't have free childcare. I have a good public school and the generosity of family members when they happen to be here visiting us or we happen to be other places visiting them. But I've learned that Facebook groups are not the place for details and nuance.) Even friends I agree with on many issues were so vehement about their opinions that it became tiresome. It was no longer enjoyable to be bombarded from all sides.

So I stopped. For several days I stayed off Twitter entirely and I took only very quick peeks once or twice a day to check in on specific friends and family members on Facebook. I asked Mike to stop telling me whatever the latest Facebook news was. I left a bunch of Facebook groups. I turned off my notifications for Facebook and all my news apps. I chatted with friends. I read the news ad-free and comment-free on my Kindle. I listened to podcasts. I was still connected. I just took out all the tiresome social commentary.

And I was fine. I had more free time to read things that I find more enjoyable to read. I didn't miss any major news. After a few days I expanded my time and my group of friends I wanted to check on and stay in touch with. On Twitter, I created a list of about twenty people who I want to interact with regularly. I don't plan on turning my alerts back on. I control when I check on Facebook and Twitter. I won't forget they exist just because my phone isn't chirping at me every few minutes.

I'm choosing to control how I use social media in order to avoid some of the negativity. I'm not ignorant of what's going on in the world.

And I fully realize the irony of sharing this post on Facebook and Twitter. 

Book Review: The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher

After you've read something, please consider leaving a line or two on Goodreads and Amazon. The authors appreciate it!

Here's my review as it appears on Goodreads.

The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I was a little disappointed with this book. I'm not quite sure what I expected. But the main realization that Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford had an affair during the filming of Star Wars had been released with the book and there were no other real surprises within. Some readers have said they're disappointed to learn that Ford was so quiet and aloof, but I already figured that about him. He's always been a fairly private figure. Have you ever seen him on a talk show?

Thirty-three-year-old Harrison Ford took advantage of a nineteen-year-old Carrie Fisher. Maybe there's even more to it than Ms. Fisher revealed but from her telling of it I can't see Mr. Ford in a more flattering light over the affair. I know affairs happen. I'm not naive. Ms. Fisher tells us that Mr. Ford isn't a bad guy and that we should take her word for that despite all the evidence she provides that leads me toward not having any sympathy for Mr. Ford in that situation.

I also found the actual reprinting of her journals written when she was nineteen years old to be as tedious as any other nineteen year old's journals, including my own. I'm not sure what they added other than the thrill of voyeurism. I didn't find any deep insight in them.

I didn't hate the book. I found some of the personal details interesting although I found myself skimming through many paragraphs to find one of those interesting details. I'm still a fan of Carrie Fisher and of Princess Leia. I'm just maybe not a fan of Ms. Fisher's writing.

View all my reviews

Trying to Figure Out Why This Commercial Bugs Me

When I first saw this commercial I appreciated the girl-power-ness of it, being a mom myself who cruises through the neighborhood in a black car with a daughter who's going through a black-and-purple phase (and who never had much of a pink phase to begin with). My daughter would definitely choose the black and purple paint and peel into the driveway if given the opportunity.

But then I realized, these girls appear to be my daughter's age or older, and they are riding Big Wheels with helmets. They are riding Big Wheels, a toddler toy. And they are wearing helmets while they ride huge plastic three-wheelers close to the ground with very little risk of falling. Are we so overcautious that helmets on Big Wheels is a thing now? And why aren't they riding bicycles? Or skateboards? Something a little less babyish?

Maybe I'm so involved in our own style of parenting that we've missed Big Wheels for 6, 7, 8 year olds being a thing now. Our six year old is excited to go mountain biking this weekend (with her helmet on, of course). A friend's six year old just had a skateboarding birthday party on the halfpipe the dad built in their backyard (with their helmets on, of course). Are we the odd parents out? Or are commercials reflecting some nonexistent overly protective society that they think parents want to see?

***

I wrote the above a few days ago. Since then I've Googled "helmets on Big Wheels" and I've found that, yes, many parents insist on their toddlers wearing helmets on Big Wheels, when riding in wagons being pulled by an adult, and some parents have rules about helmets when kids are on anything with wheels. While I can understand this for some circumstances, at some point doesn't it seem overprotective for the general population of toddlers? The risk of a fall from a Big Wheel bike is slim. Most toddlers aren't going to be allowed to leave their yards or driveways without adult supervision so there's no risk of being hit by a car on the street. Many parents monitor their children outside even in their own yards so the risk of any danger is very, very low. Parents argue that helmet wearing is a good habit for children to start as young as possible and I agree with that for certain activities. Riding a bike, even a balance bike. Skateboards and scooters. Anything that requires a certain amount of balance and coordination. At some point though aren't we going a bit too far in wrapping our kids up and protecting them from every single bit of pain and discomfort? By making them think the world is always dangerous but if you always take these precautions everything will always be okay?

I also learned that some states require helmets any time a child is on public property on a foot-powered vehicle. So a parent cannot decide that it's safe for their three or four year old to ride a Big Wheel on a dirt path in a park without a helmet.

Let me point out again that the children in this commercial are not toddlers. They are old enough to have the balance and coordination to be on bicycles or scooters. I can sort of understand the visual because the Big Wheel moves more slowly so is more of a cruising vehicle than a bicycle. Every child I know who's around my daughter's age, if given a Big Wheel to ride, they'd be in the backyard crashing them into each other for fun because it's a babyish safety toy. I'd rather see this girl cruising by on a skateboard. Or rolling into the parking lot at the park on a mountain bike, pulling up to her mom's car, speeding past the girls with pink streamers on their bikes, if that's the message they're trying to get across. Why put them on toddler toys?

Screw the Laundry

My friend shared this image on Facebook recently. I love her but I couldn’t disagree more. Yes, I’m a mom and one of the ways I take care of my family is by doing laundry. But I get absolutely no sense of satisfaction or accomplishment over having an empty laundry basket.

A full laundry basket means we have been running, swimming, biking, gardening, baking, painting, fixing motorcycles, eating chocolate ice cream, and puking with excitement. An empty basket means I probably went without a much-needed nap in order to fold laundry instead.

I know it’s a joke and I’m not saying it isn’t right to feel a sense of accomplishment over getting chores done. I can’t help but think, though, that jokes like these continue to drive home the implication that women need to do all the chores. Regardless of if they work full-time, regardless of their other activities, a mother’s job is to not only get that fucking laundry done but to be elated about it.

If the best five seconds of the week is the moment all the laundry is done, then is the worst five seconds the moment new dirty laundry appears? Because most weeks I wish dirty laundry was the worst of my problems.

Sometimes the best five seconds of my week is a moment I have with Muffin. Sometimes it’s a moment I have with Mike. Sometimes it’s a moment I have alone. It will never be the moment the laundry is done.

The Problem with Parenting Magazines

When I was pregnant a friend gave me some advice: Never read parenting magazines. “You’ll get put on the mailing list,” she said. “’With our complements,’ the card will tell you. Take the time to throw out the magazines and remove yourself from their mailing list. I promise this is one of the best things you can do as a parent.”

For the most part I followed that advice. I even threw out What to Expect by the time Muffin was three months old because she wasn’t following any of the directions the handbook gave and it stressed me out. Recently, though, I saw this headline, “Am I Supposed to Be My Child’s Playmate?”, from Parenting magazine. The mother of all magazines I try to avoid.

I am no expert in parenting, other than keeping my own child relatively happy and healthy for the last five years, but like most parents, regardless of my feelings on the topic, I’m going to click on a lot of parenting articles. Personally, I think it’s fine to find a balance between playing with children and giving them time and space to play on their own.

The very first paragraph made me uneasy. The author’s mother would make dinner for the family on the one night a week she wasn’t home for dinner because she had a graduate school class. Okay, that’s fine. But her father would throw away the pot roast, hiding it deep in the garbage can, order pizza, and hide the boxes in a neighbor’s garbage so that the mother would never find out. “It was our little secret,” the author says.

That is a terrible secret. Her parents were so held down by traditional parenting roles that her mother could not say to her father, “You are responsible for dinner this one night a week.” Nor could the father say, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of dinner this one night a week.” She felt the need to make a dinner that her family would throw away. (Why throw it away? Why not carve it up for sandwiches or save it for another night?) I would be pissed if I found out my spouse and child were doing this after the trouble I went through to make the meal.

I realized as I read that this article taps into the insecurity many mothers feel about being Mean Mommy versus Fun Dad. I haunt parenting groups to see what other parents are up to and I see the Mean Mommy issues brought up by women all the time. Mothers are meant to nurture and be caregivers for their families. Fathers are meant to be playmates.

I call shenanigans.

Both parents are parents. Fathers are not playmates or baby-sitters. (More men are professional chefs but more women are still expected to cook for their families? Don’t even get me started on that… Maybe a future blog post.) Both parents can play to their strengths, of course, but at some time they are going to have to step up to both roles.

That is, if both parents are present and if they are a heterosexual couple.

There’s no reason why, if both parents are present, then they can’t share the nurturing and the playmate parts. Single parents have to do both. Same-sex parents take on both roles. There’s absolutely no need for it to be gender divided, or divided at all. So many parenting articles reinforce these gender roles without taking into account that families are not as nuclear as they were a generation or two ago, nor with taking into account the different personalities and strengths that different parents have. They continue to reinforce the image of the ideal superwoman who can keep a perfect household and hold down a career or further her education while dad occasionally baby-sits.

Families aren’t like that anymore and many media outlets continue to subversively keep that out-dated model alive.

And that's why I don't read parenting magazines. Really, I don't.